Coming Full Circle

article written by APA Feliciano 

            The sky was overcast and the rain pattered relentlessly against the coaster windshield as we traversed the road to Tagaytay for the Mukha Ad graduation rites and retreat. And as we did, I am reminded of the first day we met each other, that all twenty-plus of us have seen each other for the first time. It was raining too, dampening our spirits and whatever left of our energies, enough that a lot of us hesitated to attend the General Assembly.

They called it that, the first day, and I remember only going to the Sto. Domingo Church at the invitation of some high school friends. In all honesty, I was never the type of person to join church organizations because I myself wasn’t actually very sure of my faith. But even if my faith wavers at times, my trust in my friends never do so with another high school friend in tow, we decided to go and see what was in store for us.

Yesterday

            It turned out that there was more for me than there was for my other high school friend who backed out in the middle of the year because her books and parents called her. At first I was hesitant to take part in the activities because it felt like there was still some barrier between my fellow batchmates and I, as well as between me and the Mukha Ad staff. We might have shared some laughter and jokes together but these were never really forms of assurance of friendship because quite a few of them disappears and later resurfaces when the bond that has been formed have already dissolved.

            I never really tracked the development of our relationships with each other but after endless jokes over food and charade games, we were looping our arms around each other in an obvious show of friendship and camaraderie. I didn’t really know when it was, but as time passed, acquaintances evolved into friendships and pregnant silences became boisterous laughter and endless conversations.

            Now as I looked at the fog kissing the coaster glasses, I am overwhelmed by the memories of the things we’ve experienced all together as a group and of how far we’ve come. I never really thought I’d stick with Mukha Ad since I always fail when it comes to the matter of commitments, but it was nonetheless a pleasant discovery both on the aspects of external commitments and willingness.

The Bare Necessities

            Mukha Ad has the same experience as any other youth-oriented organizations there ever is, all these will always be the same. There will always be the feeling of vibrancy, of pulsating feelings and sentiments that threatened to overflow.

In my case it was a feeling of novelty, of testing my willingness to commit on greater heights and every time I dragged my body to the train tracks to hitch a ride up north I was always bugged by the question, “Why?” Why am I furiously exercising my legs going up and down the MRT stations just to get to the sessions on time? Why am I, a person who has vowed to not let the sun rays touch my burnt epidermis, leave in the middle of the day just to attend sessions? Why am I, a person who hates traveling around Metro Manila, go on road for an hour and more to get to the picturesque Santo Domingo Church?

It was not so much because I wanted to get my hands on my graduation certificate nor was it because I wanted to get away from home. Granted, I never really took Mukha Ad as something I could invest in both emotionally and spiritually but over time it changed, and it somehow felt like I was bound by the red thread to this organization and to these people. No longer was it about fulfilling some civic responsibility but being able to spend time with a set of newfound friends who saw through me. In their eyes, and in the eyes of God, I was unclothed, stripped off of my vanities as well as of my other identity as a working individual. To them, I was never the girl who rushed to meet deadlines in heels and corporate suits but rather I was a person to laugh and joke with.

Graduating and moving on

            Friendships came late and I am not sure as to whether I could really move on at this state. In the month of hearts alone, I fell sick twice—largely owing to bodily stress and overwork and while I have been warned to stay at home after the Mukha Ad graduation, I still don’t think I can sit still and let them have all the fun. The desire to spend more time with the people I’ve grown close with over time grew and it is growing still and the graduation rites and the retreat solidified this feeling even more. I wasn’t sure whether I could commit myself until I grow past the “Youth” stage but right now, it feels like I would like to stay for a few years more.

            It has been a long time since I went to a retreat, as customary of the students in Catholic schools. Like everyone else, I cried, prayed for my friends, forgave my enemies and went on and did the same things again. Mukha Ad did it lightly—there was no pressure to cry (as there was with every retreat I attended), but there was a gentle tug at my heartstrings. Be kind to your family, I was told, because you never know what will happen next. I was reminded of the basic things I needed to get through this life, such as my faith and the basics of my faith. I wasn’t sure whether it was a necessity for every retreat to have some scary stories spread around, but we still found courage to walk in the darkness and laugh till our stomachs burst. Of course we snapped endless pictures together, and still some more until the unbearable heat of the sun made us retreat in silence.

            Being with Mukha Ad was like finding a long-lost family—it wasn’t just about finding a family in the first place, but finally belonging in a group that seemed to have lost their black sheep, that no matter how black my wool turns out to be, I could still trust them to bleach me whiter than I used to be. They became my friends and it was but natural for us to become a family, and I take comfort in the fact that the prodigal son in me could still find a shelter within their midst.